I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
