Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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