and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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