yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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