I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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