Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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