I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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