now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
