You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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