We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize