I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
