We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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