i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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