I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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