Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
