My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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