I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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