i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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