you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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