Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
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I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
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By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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