why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
