we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
