Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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