I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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