All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
