I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
