I could have mohawked her pubes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter