Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext