Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
