the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
