I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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