I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
