she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
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There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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