wakey wakey hands off snakey
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.