my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
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Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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