Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.