i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need water and some morals