You just made me feel so damn special
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
