woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
