I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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