If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
