my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
