I think I died a long time ago.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
