I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
