You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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