Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
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My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"