Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck