Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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