she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
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Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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