and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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