mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
cat food counts as protein by the way
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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