I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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