I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
