My friends, they love my intelligence
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
