i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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