so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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