As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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