Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
