Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
