I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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