well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
